The reflection in screen

Sometimes I am so startled by the woman who is looking back at me.  It is like there are different women all the time.   I sometimes see a perky well rested energetic "girl" and others she is an exhausted old lady.  

Reality is she is somewhere in between.  I guess I need to work on getting closer to that middle ground of the middle aged woman that I am.  Will losing weight help me feel more like the me I see in my head?? Will it make me more energetic??  Will I feel younger??  

I guess the truth will come with the work and the loss of the weight.  So I must have patience... something that I have never been accused of having a lot of.  So I guess I must flex that muscle too!

Chubby Chick in for the long haul   

What a difference a day makes

Yesterday I did not write, if I had it would have been something like:
Whine, whine, whine- I am a fat troll, how could you let yourself get to this?  Blaa blaa blaa...  Hormones are a horrible blight on an otherwise (fairly) stable brain.  I use stable in the most loose of definitions.  Having trouble sleeping due to wild dreams, mild hot flashes and general brain will not shut off.

TODAY:  Up at 5am, met the trainer... killed my workout!  I am really feeling that I am getting back into the routine of working out!  Still sucks while I am sucking wind!  But, I know that soon, so maybe not as soon as I would like, but, "soon" it will be easier. When I get at least 30-40 pounds off it will be easier.  Holy Crap this extra 80-90 pounds really kills. 

The first set of squats, my knee thought I was trying to kill it.  The second and third set...much better.  You hang in there baby we will get rid of the weight and it will be like you are walking on sunshine!

I really "like" getting up early and getting my workout done.  Ok, when the alarm goes off at 5:10 am it does seem like I am on crack.  After I am up and dressed and getting through the workout the reasons become clear.  More importantly when I am sitting on the patio with my coffee, I can see clearly that making me a priority, getting healthy and having time to myself is so important.

I think as women we think and do for others so much we let ourselves go.  Big squishy moment for myself... LOL  Let's not get all carried away with the Lovefest, the 1-2 hours for myself needs to be when no one else needs anything from me.  That is why I must get up at the "Butt crack of dawn". 

Chubby Chick to seize the day!

Flexibility

Flexibility is NOT my strong suit... neither physically or mentally.  Getting up @5:30 or 6 to get to the gym IS the only way to go. RIGHT???

Not this morning, after working on the kitchen extension from 1:30-8:30 pm yesterday, then coming in for showers and dinner (yes, diner at after 9)  I made the conscience decision to go after work. 

All my clothes are in the bag, I will NOT come home till I am sweaty.  But, I will change. Both physically and mentally... I will find what works for me that day.  

The all or nothing is gone, now is the time to work things out.  

Chubby Chick getting to the gym better late than never
  

Jog...Are you on Crack?

I worked with my trainer yesterday for the second time.  We had had an issue with not getting me workouts. He came prepared like "Super Trainer" with 1 months workouts.  Ok, so he had sent me a text with them earlier in the week and I frankly had not looked at them.  

Well, he was going through them day by day...then came Thursday.  First off, I don't mind pushing myself.  I like him because he does seem the type who will push me but, not to the point of injury.  I am old and fat...keep it within the realm of sanity!  Ok, back to Thursday... workout seemed to be reasonable then out of the blue... JOG not just JOG, but, for 15 minutes.  Oh, my gosh, Dude have you seen the wide load sign on my butt?   So, my plan is to WOG (walk jog combo) for the 15 minutes, by the 4th week I hope to be up to jogging the whole time.  

If I hear any lip from my workout buddy about it I will tell her to go grab 2- 20lb dumb bells, cause I've got 40 pounds on her.  

Chubby Chick off to the great WOG

Can You Hear the Fat Scream

As I was working out with my trainer this morning, my buddy said "Can you hear the fat scream?"  Well, this is what I heard!

I am just a happy little fat cell, hanging around with a bunch of my friends. But, they seem to be disappearing.  They are there one day and gone the next. They are burned up in the blink of an eye. I have heard of tales of long ago, when just a few short years ago our closest neighbors were the muscles.  They were always flexing, and moving.  It was so annoying!  

But, lately our forces have grown and we are comfortably taking over the whole queendom. We cause this body to want to stay at rest.  We are causing the left knee and right foot to hurt, which in turn makes they body to want to just hang out.

But, as of the last few days, there has been an active attack on our way of life.  There have been early mornings at the gym, better food, and the heart and lungs are working hard too.  

The screams of my friends are deafening... there are so many of us, I think I am safe for awhile.  80 pounds of us will take some serious effort and dedication.

Chubby Chick to burn that fat!

You can't our run the fork

I have heard this saying "You can't out run the fork"  in other words, no matter how hard you workout if you eat like crap you are not going to lose weight.  Man oh man have I tried.  I have had cookies for dinner, junk in the middle of the day, just not great choices.  The evidence is clear... it hangs off my arms, a girl should only have one chin, my butt is big, my thighs have not seen a moment apart (while walking) for years, and that GUT...

So I know I need to get the food under control.  Ok, I know the food is not what is out of control it is my "relationship" with it.  Whatever, there is no "relationship" it is me sitting alone with a bowl of crap, shoving it down my gullet!  I let my brain lose control and abandon all reason, that is so sad, it has no desire to be in charge yet I hand over all my power to it.  

I am a strong willed, kinda put together, leader of people... yet I fall so short of my own expectations in this area.  Taking charge and making changes in what you have been doing that does not work is a first step!  

In addition to the trainer, a couple of workout buddies and one that will always go with me (the tired old Chubby Chick in the mirror), I am going to start seeing a nutritionist in August.  Thus begins "Team Chubby Chick".  Kinda feeling like I am making progress.  Not to say there will not be some bumps in the road...keeps life exciting, as long as the bumps aren't allowed to pitch you off in the ditch that is filled with chocolate!

Chubby Chick - you can run but you can't hide from crap!

Sleep vs. Sweat

At 5 am the sleep mode wants to win. But, sweat did finally win!  I know that if given a few more minutes I could have totally talked myself into staying comfortable in bed.  

The "rational" ok, lazy part of my brain wanted to explain that sleep is vital to weight loss... But, the "get your lazy butt to the gym" let me know that working out would help, you can have a nap later.  

So sweat must win!!!  So I got to the gym and did my workout and feel GREAT!

Chubby Chick - nap in my near future

Change

So, does change come in one fell swoop or in small unnoticeable steps.  There are those huge life changing moments that you can really put your finger on and say "that is the moment".  That moment when you find yourself in the hair dye isle or the spray paint section of the store... those are moments "something" is going to change quickly!! 

 I think most change is slow, boring and a group of small barely noticeable decisions.  Like getting up and sweating your butt off,  doing all the squats while not looking for an excuse, or not eating that whole piece of cake.  

Then one day you look back and say "Crap, I have really changed!"  

Both kind of change can make lasting impressions, like my patio furniture will NEVER be the same.  On that note my Butt will NEVER be this big again!!!  So treating each choice as an important part of the whole is something to work on.  Well, each choice is NOT LIFE OR DEATH, but, a bunch of bad can do damage the same as a bunch of good can.   

Chubby Chick- making good choices!  

Trainer trials

I think some days I am living in the past when it comes to trainers.  I lost 65 pounds in 7 months with my old trainer.  I went 5 days per week...felt so great with Scot.  I guess like a "first Love" I compare all trainers to "him"... not the person, the results, the process, and the consistency.

I am looking for someone to give me guidance and "hold my feet to the fire" and my butt to the squat!  I need to live in the moment... and feel the burn today, not live in the after glow of years gone by. 

Today has been an interesting day.  When it started I was sure the trainer that I was working with was going to be a "goner".   I have had issues getting my workouts from him.  Long story short, trust me I just deleted all the BORING details!!!  We may have solved the problem by him getting me the next two months workouts.  I may give him another try.  I can see that we would make a great team... him giving the trainer crap and me sweat my ass off, literally!

My results will be my results!  So I need to keep my head in the game!!!

Chubby Chick to the trainer 

Hard habit to break!

There is this thing in my head that says "If you are on track, then you need to be going 110%".  Today is one of my "rest" days from the gym.  I really felt kinda guilty that I did not get up early and go.  Habit 1- All or nothing!

I did well with eating... not STELLAR but good.  Habit 2- If you are not perfect then eat sh*t! 

Beating myself up for getting this way, for not being perfect, for being lazy, for being a slug.  Habit 3- talking to myself like I would not talk to my worst enemy (I don't have real enemies...but, you get the point)

Funny these are habits I have spent countless years and untold amounts of energy trying to change.  I guess anything worth doing is worth doing right.

So, BIG GIRL panties on and a new attitude... Be kind to myself, do my best and be the best I can and try to more today than yesterday.  

I know that I am not the only one who feels like this...so I am not alone, an island unto my own suffering.  There are many of us who can relate to this...I will take comfort and strength that I am not a FREAK.

Chubby Chick - here is to the new habits!

Anniversary!

Today is the anniversary of one of the biggest things in my life.  28 years ago I married this guy.  Ok, so I am not too sappy, I could say the "LOVE of my Life", "My soul mate", "My best friend" so at times he is some of those things.  At times I want to punch him in the face...not literally. 

Some days its easy breezy, other days its dirt under your nail kinda work!  It is a real life marriage, with ups and downs.  We are blessed with 3 great kids, 2 are married to great people, 2.5 grand kids and a life that is pretty calm.  I hope that we have taught our kids that marriage takes work, patience and the ability to let go of things that just don't matter!

That said, if I can work with another human being on a life long commitment why can't I work with myself?  This week has been good I feel that progress has been made and I can get this thing done.  

So in the spirit of "anniversaries", I am going to make this my personal anniversary... to commit to a year of dedication to getting me back.  I will take stock in the changes I have made and see the strides both literal and figurative.  There are things that I want to accomplish this coming year... I am fearful of writing them down.  I know that will either make them "out there for good" or "reasons to beat myself up".  

So here goes: she writes standing on the ledge ready to jump into the GREAT BEYOND!!!
1) feel like I did when I worked out with Scot
2) wear a size 6 pants, & medium tops
3) have run at least 1 - 5K 
4) have written here everyday

That was not that scary.  I am feeling good that it was not all about weight...it is just a # right???  There are other benchmarks to a good life.  Let's not get crazy... I WILL be weighing myself everyday!! I would like to lose 80-90 and if I do I will have #2 in the bag!!!

Chubby Chick - commitment to ME!

The adventure awaits!

Adventure- is that something that I need to get my heart pumping?  Do I try to make the mundane seem more adventurous to trick myself into jumping in?  I think maybe!  The great "TO DO" list is long for the day, yet I am trying to make it some kind of adventure.

"As I leave the safety of my home and enter the untamed jungle, mowing a path to uncharted lands" seems so much funner than Mow the Lawn!

So in my head (as jumbled as it may seem) go to the gym turns into- "After fighting many foes she finally makes it into the land of sweat and strength.  She proves to herself again that she can concur any oppressive power to get to her goal!"  

I am very happy that I met up with my "new" workout buddy yesterday.  I did the eliptical...I wanted to just do the easy workout.  However, she did push me into the 30 weight loss program!  I was feeling accomplished just getting to the gym.  She was not satisfied with that!  So my legs are SORE!  But, the good kind the "I am making some progress" kind.  

We are going to meet again at the gym today, in the afternoon, that is the time of day that the ice cream & couch are calling my name, begging me to entertain them!  NO MORE!!   

Getting 80 to 90 pounds off is not going to be done in the next 2 weeks, but, It WILL get done.  On top of that it will NEVER (yes I used the "N" word) NEVER, NEVER come back.   

I am totally worth the effort it is going to take to get this weight off and KEEP it off.  Also worth the NEW CLOTHES I will have to buy!!  Oh, cute clothes, come to Mama!!!

Part of me wants to "Sprint" to my goal, you know get there as fast as humanly possible... 8-10 months.  Part of me wants to "Marathon" it, take it slow and steady.  Maybe it needs to be a mixed race!  Sprint when I can and slow and steady, kinda coast for a little bit.  Now the "PLANNER" in me is wanting to grab my calendar and figure when to do each part.  Man, that planner chick is annoying! Why can't she just chill?? 

Chubby Chick- off to find Adventure

Personal Responsibility

Personal responsibility that is something that I feel strongly about.  Maybe not at 6 am.  My workout buddy was having some tummy trouble this morning and shot me a text that she was not going to be able to go this morning.  Poor girl she has been fighting some bug for a while now.

That said, I had already planed to go on my own if she was sick.  WELL, that is a plan that looks better at night that in the cool of the morning!  I was so comfy all curled up in the quilt.  That part of my brain that controls so much of my life - rationally whispered, "you're tired...just sleep in".  That is the same voice that tells me things like "it's only one cookie, ice cream is your friend and the ever popular - make a plan today and you can start tomorrow.   

Well the time came to get up and get moving... by moving I mean get coffee and get on the computer.  And she wonders why she has gained 80 some pounds :/ .    Then there was this small voice speaking of "Personal Responsibility".  

Then I found the workout "buddy" that I need... she is the Chubby, middle aged woman in the mirror.  She needs me, and wants to get her sweat on with me, if I go with her I can listen to my music and not have to make conversation, or feel bad that she can't go.  Don't get me wrong I truly LOVE my workout buddies, they motivate me, make me laugh and make the tough things possible.  However, this one in the mirror seems to really need ME!!!

So, I am packing my workout clothes to take to work, I will drink my protein drink about 30 minutes before I get off, and go straight to the gym.  Then when I get home I can get right to house work... I will be too sweaty to lay on the couch. I know, I know another plan!!!   Hope springs eternal... this ONE will work!

Chubby Chick - will sweat into the afternoon!

Quit stopping!

There is that old saying- If you don't want to keep starting over, quit stopping!  
Well I had stopped again!  Not sure of the reason, just gave up AGAIN!!  

Well today is a new start!  Dare I say the last new start, that is the hope.  I am sick of that feeling...you know the one, self loathing, bottom of the barrel, desperate times call for desperate measures.   I want it replaced with the strong, I can do anything, kick ass and take names feeling.  To get there I must keep moving, not stop, work to get that feeling... it can't be bought in a pill, or borrowed from someone else.  It has to be fought for, with early morning workouts (not just show up-but work) good food choices, some planning and an eye on the prize.

Wait, what is the prize?  Skinny? Cute clothes? Healthy? 100 lbs gone forever? Strong?  Maybe a combo of all of these, kinda of like a rotating motivation... cause just one wears thin, and I stay "not so thin".  

I know how to lose the weight, I know how to get strong, I know how to shop for cute clothes (LOL)...The keeping is off and getting my head to permanently change is the KEY!!

I have stopped quitting...  I know that some days will be slower than others, but, keep on keepin on!!!  Wow, how lame does that sound?  Ok, so fight for the true me to be free.  Still lame!  I guess I will need to work on that.

Chubby Chick start to the new beginning!(236)